Friday, December 19, 2014

TITLING POSTS TAKES HALF THE EFFORT

Man, I have all these pictures that I need to upload and post but I'm so lazy! Womp womp. In the mean time I'll tell you that I've become a crazy lady and hopped on the dog Instagram train. Yes, Zero has her own Instagram: @zerothebulldog. And if you don't follow her she will poop on your bed and chew your favorite shoes. Her words, not mine. I just have soooo many picture of her that are clogging up my phone but need to be released into the world because they are so dang cute, and if you haven't noticed, my Instagram account has kinda been taken over by her face. The only problem is I never take pictures except for of her, so now I'm going to have to go out of my way to take more pictures for my account. Yikes! 

Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day. First my work had a contest where you had to decorate one of those paper gown things that patients have to wear sometimes, with the supplies at your desk. Sadly even though mine was epic, I did not win (a really didn't care if I did) but still... I'm very competitive and who doesn't like winning. Then I was soooooo stokes to get my hair colored after work. Getting "yo hur did" always seems absurdly expensive to me and so I never go, but since it's Christmas (and that means you can spend money that you don't have on things that you don't need) I decided there was no better time to take this dull blonde up to fabulous blonde! Here is my muse: 


BUT my dreams were shattered when the receptionist told me the wrong time. Even when I called back to confirm my appointment! What the what? I'll now be going in on Saturday instead but the good thing that came of all of this is that I got to go to a spin class with my lady friend and current accountability-workout buddy Aubrey. Guys, if your spin class isn't taught by a black (or possible Indian? man. It was dark and I his race looked a little ambiguous) who is a DJ on the side and makes his own mix tapes and brings his own strobe light/disco ball thing... then you are going to the wrong class! I was literally up in da club; a club where you have to bring your own stationary bike no less, but you are still sweating to some sick beats. Today however I think I'm bruised in places I didn't know I could be bruised in but now I know to take my padded spandex! I found this video on youtube so just go ahead and imagine something like this, except for the lights are off and there is a light-show going on: 



I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping, and anyone who says they finished theirs weeks ago is a crazy person! I pride myself as an exceptional gift giver. Not only that but I've been told numerous times that that is one of my best talents. I'm one of those people where you casually say something about something and 10 months later I remember and make all your dreams come true. The only problem with that is that when I don't have an idea, I panic and usually give a gift card and feel like a failure! It's a lot of pressure being an awesome and thoughtful gift giver. At the beginning of this month I had zero ideas about what to get Spencer, but now I'm really excited about everything I've come up with and I can't help but give myself an imaginary high five, and then a slap on the butt (because ya know... I can do that to myself). I like to do a lot of online shopping but there comes a time when suddenly you are sweatin' on whether the package will be here in time. Yesterday I signed up for the free Amazon Prime trial and ordered some of my few remaining gifts from there just so I could get the guaranteed 2-day shipping! Bless you Amazon! I feel like such a gifting boss! This year we will be spending Christmas with my family, and then head to Vegas the day after to see the Hansen's. Usually this is a time to get away from the cold but oddly enough it' has been unseasonably warm here. As luck would have it the forecast says it's suppose to snow on Christmas day so I am crossing my fingers for a white Christmas, followed by 65 degrees the next day in the LV.  

Now to finish off the post. Here are some picture of my dog that you may have missed if you don't follow her instagram account here


^^ We always find her in the most hilarious sitting positions. 

 ^^ Feeding the pig, pig. 

^^Dressed to impress... except she isn't impressed. 

And lastly a video that I also posted on my own account too but here it is again because I love it so much. This is the extended version (by only 6 second): 
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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

MY SPIRIT ANIMAL IS DR PEPPER


Soda. My lover, my friend, my enemy. 

I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably more of an emotional/social drinker. It's not really that I crave Dr. Pepper so much as I just feel like the day isn't complete without one. This year has also marked a huge mile stone because I have officially made the switch to Diet Dr. Pepper. You know how people say you can train your taste buds in like a few weeks? Well it literally took about 8 months to get use to it. Now regular Dr. Pepper almost tastes too sweet and syrup-y. Have you ever read the book Gregory the Terrible Eater? It's about a goat that only likes to eat junk. Not like donuts and pizza junk; like tires, and shoes, and other goat stuff. To get him to eat better, his parents start disguising his food and start doing things like putting spaghetti sauce on shoe laces, and then eventually he is eating only real food and doesn't even realize it. It's all about masking. This is exactly what I had to do with diet soda. I started by always having coconut syrup and limes in it. Now I don't do limes. Who knows, maybe one day I won't need the syrup. 
During my daily-ish soda runs, I always think of the culmination of things that it takes to curate the perfect soda. A lot factors into making that sweet nectar perfect. I've listed some of these things below, and if you can relate to any of this, then you probably know what it means to be a true soda snob. 

1. Plastic or styrofoam cups always! Any gas station that has those paper Pepsi cups is a no-go. Any addict knows this. Once the soda has been in the cup for more than about 30 min, the drink starts taking on the taste of the paper. Styrofoam keeps them colder longer, but there is something about plastic cups, that allow me to see the brown bubbly goodness, that gets me all hot and bothered.


2. Fat straws! Some places have those little thin straws which aren't the best vehicle for getting the maximum amount of drink in your mouth the fastest. The best though are the places that give you the choice of fat or skinny straws in both the tall and short sizes. Sometimes with the 32oz cups the short straws seem to short and the tall ones seem to tall. #firstworldproblems

3. Some places just taste better. Soda is a combination of syrup, water, and carbon dioxide. The proportions of these can often times differ from place to place. You can even taste the difference in water. Some places use purified, some places chill their water, etc. So many factors! BUT even the days can differ on how it tastes at a certain place so sometimes it's a guessing game!


4. The best gas stations are always the ones with lime and lemon slices. And extra bonus points for the ones that have flavor shots. I'm talking about the Torani syrup (I'm looking at you Chevron) and not the gross flavor goop that come out of the soda dispenser (Maverick *cough cough*).

5. Why are you only talking about going places to get soda? you say. Any true soda connoisseur knows that you only drink soda from a can (or plastic bottle) in desperate (or extremely handy) circumstances. It's always always better from a soda fountain. There is no comparison!  

6. And finally, many people would say ice is another turn off/or on. I for one don't like ice in my drink at all because I don't like my drink watered down (especially when I don't drink it fast enough). Many people are all about the pebble ice (Sonic, Sodalicious), which if I was getting ice, that would be my pick. But some people prefer their ice in other shapes and sizes.


Well there you have it! Guys... the struggle to find the best drink is real! I know many of my fellow brothers and sisters have faced this, but once you've been doing this as long as I have you always know the right places to go. Isn't it the worst when you are in an unfamiliar city or state, and you have to get a soda fix stat! I hope you all can relate (or laugh) about the struggle, and I hope all of you are blessed and rewarded today with some carbonation goodness! Amen! 



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Wednesday, November 5, 2014

ZERO TAKES VEGAS




Well my favorite holiday is over, as well as my favorite month. For work I dressed up as a pineapple, which was super easy and fun. I had these awesome fake eyelashes too but for some reason me and fake lashes don't see eye to eye (is that a pun?), and they were off by the time I made it to work. Also, in regards to this picture I'm starting a new hashtag to go along with the oh so famous #hotdogsorlegs, called #hotdogortongue. 

This weekend we went to Vegas for our niece's baptism and it was Zero's first road trip. She was a peach and did so well. We took a couch cushion off the couch to use as a bed/booster so that Zero could see out the window while we drove. Disclaimer: most of these pictures are of Zero but I don't know what you all expected coming here.  
Towards the end of the ride we hit some construction and were moving pretty slow, so Zero was excited that she got to have the window rolled down. We also really didn't want to stop for gas, and I can usually make it in one tank, but we ended up running out of gas literally on the freeway exit to Spencer's house. We were one block away from the gas station! And had we not hit construction, we would have made it. Oh well. Now I can't say I've never run out of gas, although technically Spencer was driving. After Spencer walked to the gas stations, we met up with his brother and parents and went trick-or-treating with the nieces. The one thing I'm looking forward to the most when I have kids is getting to take them trick-or-treating because then I have an excuse to dress up.   

Saturday morning we went to the baptism and then went to BJ's for lunch afterwards with the family. Why is there not a BJ's in Utah people!? 


That night we went to Fury and it was really good. There were lots of F words, and a dinner scene that seemed to go on foooooorever and have little point, but other than that it was good. It also made me realize I would NOT want to be assigned to a tank if I was in a war... unless Brad Pitt was in said tank... because I could be in a tight space with him for weeks on end if I needed to (for God and country of course). 

Although it was a little windy in Vegas, it was still so nice to be in warmer weather. Even Zero enjoyed basking in the sun every morning. 

Sunday afternoon we went to the dog park and she finally is wearing her sweatshirt without complaint. I tried to get the strip in the background because it was really cool looking, but I guess you'll just have to enjoy the cuteness of the foreground instead. 

Here Zero is demonstrating how important it is to work out while on vacation doing her Doggy Yoga. Seriously these balls are her form of crack! She will not stop until it's in her mouth, which will never happen because it's far too big, and she tires herself out quickly. Although to no ones surprise, this ball is now deceased.  


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And here she is sound asleep in Grandma and Grandpa's bed.

And that was right after Grandma and Grandpa did some planks for us. Still workin' on that fitness in their old age! 

On the way home Zero must have remembered what the way to Vegas was like and decided she absolutely did not want to be in the backseat again. After having all 40lb of her on my lap for the first few hours, I banished her to the back. She seriously pouted like this in the back for 30min and would not look at us. So naturally my mom guilt kicked in and I let her sleep on my lap the rest of the way. 


And to end it all, I will leave you with this picture that Spencer sent me at work yesterday. The Walrus just sat like a creep and was watching Spencer do work like this. What a weirdo. But that side-sit though kills me!! 


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Friday, October 24, 2014

BATTLE OF THE BEDROOM

I know many of you have been following my bedroom saga. If not here is a recap from social media: 



Then I took a 4 day break from my room so it could sit and think about what it had done to me, and then I posted a selfie:


The hard thing about cleaning your room these days is that there are so many distractions! Pinterest, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Netflix, napping, etc. I get so distracted and then I'm like "maybe if I do this then it will help," or "let me get this done first and then I'll get to the bedroom." I was watching BoJack Horseman on Netflix (instead of cleaning my room) and found this clip that perfectly described what my thought process is. In this clip, BoJack is suppose to be writing his memoir which is due soon, but he's having trouble staying on task: 

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My problem is that I've never been a clean person. And every time I clean the house I tell Spencer "this time it's going to be different!" And then it stays clean for a while and then all the sudden I turn around and it's as if a bomb went off. There is no in between. Some how I feel that I can blame my childhood on this but I'm not sure how. Pray for me that I can overcome throwing my clothes on the floor and learn to put them on a hanger. 
Let's hope this weekend I come out the other side with a clean room and better lucky then last weekend (which consisted of me not getting dressed until 6pm, and then going straight to get a Diet DP and spilling it all over my clothes). That right there is God telling you that you shouldn't have left the house and just stayed in your sweats.    

-Ash



Thursday, October 16, 2014

EQUALITY IN ALL THINGS: THE BIKINI ISSUE


Alright, it's time. This is the big one. This is where we separate the men from the boys... or at least the girls from, the other girls. About a week ago I noticed that someone I follow on instagram had some heated comments from someone about the bikini she was wearing on a family trip. Now this wasn't a scandalous swimsuit, or a floozy-of-a-girl. This is a 20 something mother of a young baby who was wearing one of those high waisted swimsuits (that I generally think looks like a diaper on most people) who is a little well known in the Mormon community, as she is a pretty popular videographer and blogger. This complete stranger had the audacity to comment on her Instagram and tell her that she was immodest and not setting a good example for young women. Now I'm all for having an opinion on something. But I'm not for telling a complete stranger of my opinion and letting them know they are wrong and should live their life the way I live mine. Especially on their personal social media accounts. Needless to say this girl got ripped a new one by hundreds of other commenters but it got me thinking about something... 

ABS ARE ABS! PERIOD. right? 

First let me say this post really only relates to the Mormon community. Yes there are many people that think bikinis are immodest but bottom lines is, it's not a commandment. Yes you can find things here and there in The Friend and the 1983 issue of The New Era where people say that bikinis are immodest, but I can guarantee you that the Prophet himself has not gone to the Lord and conversed on this matter because frankly he has better things to worry about and both the Lord AND the Prophet trust that they have given us the tools to make our own informed decisions. Just like with the music we listen to, the movies we watch, and the caffeinated beverages that some of us inject into our bloodstream. Also, let's consider the fact that the church is also run by a bunch of old men. I'm not even going to go into why I bring that up. Let's just linger in thought on that statement for a little while.

Now back to my "abs are abs" statement. For those of you who think that bikinis are immodest, let's look at why. The one factor that bikinis bring to the table is the abdomen. So ipso facto (I've always wanted to use that word) you think that the abdomen is the immodest part. So if a belly button and the abdominal wall are immodest, then shouldn't they be immodest for both genders? Now I'm going to make a bold statement here that I may get backlash for but YES, I think that viewing bikinis as immodest is an anti-feminist view. It's the same as if the church (or an individual) came out and said "OK women, you have to wear gloves because hands are scandalous, but men, you don't have to. You're fine." WTF??? So I'm a big skank to a (growing smaller by the day) specific group of like-minded Mormons for showing off my digits, but the boys can show them off as they please? Please tell me the logic in that!

Let's shift gears. Have you ever seen a penis? Like a real live penis in the wild? (gears switched indeed) Well guess what... they are frightening. I'm sure there are very few women out there that are thinking "man seeing a penis just does it for me." If asking a guy what the sexiest part of a woman is, a lot of them will probably say legs, butt, boobs, face, etc. Stomach is probably not at the top of that list. But ask a girl... hell ya it's their ABS! I want to rub my hands up and down those puppies! Not to mentions the pecks and the arms. Oh the aaaaarms! But seriously no one in their right mind is going to say penis! In conclusion (to this paragraph but not post) women get ab-shamed when guys don't really care about their abs that much, but guys can show them off and it's fine, even though it leaves us standing in a puddle of our own drool. How does that even make sense in the "modesty" scheme of things? You get to show off your hard work at the gym and use your abs as a medal of honor, while I have to hide mine like a scar of shame? How does that even make sense? And here are some examples of abs that make us blush:


And lastly, the father of my children: 

Now I know a lot of girls wear one pieces because they feel more comfortable in them, or because they may be self conscious, and that's just fine. If I've got period bloat, you won't be finding me in my 2-piece; I'll be on the couch with a vat of Cheetos (because calories don't count if you're menstruating). BUT you're also not going to find me on Instagram finding Mormon girls in a one-piece saying "Hey put on a bikini. Stop promoting the Amish lifestyle. Live a little, you conservative baby!"  The word "feminist" has a bad taste in some people's mouths, and I've never really considered myself one, but when it comes to stomach equality, I'm all on board! And even if you don't agree with me, and feel that my abs are straight out of a pornographic nightmare (yet your husband/brother/dad can flaunt them around the pool at me as if to say "haha sucker you wish you could expose your umbilical cord scar and your torso like me") that's fine. You don't have to agree with me, but you don't have to walk around telling people that they are a bad example in this church. That is the one thing I'm looking forward to as the church progresses and adapts; that they begin to realize that it's actually better for PR if we all look a little different and all have our own opinions. Then we don't look so much like the weirdo robots some people think we are. Free agency is beautiful isn't it? As well as the female body! Well that's all I have for you today. Take us out David!


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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

MEANT TO BE

This weekend, as Spencer and I sat on the couch, watching Godzilla and eating chicken wings, I let out a loud belch and Spencer said "I'm the only one who could be married to you." #boysweekend. Wait... not all guys want to spend their weekend on the couch eating junk food and watching monster movies? What is the world coming to!? That sounds like my kind of weekend! He's also the only one for me because this weekend I also debuted some lingerie, followed up by doing the "Liz Lemon" dance from 30 Rock:

Here is the link if the video doesn't work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdnSc12bx5c


I mean who wouldn't be turned on by that? No one? Ok... Anyway, last year Spencer and I started watching 30 Rock on Netflix, and it was so funny that right now we are in the process of watching them all over. Go watch them! Now! This is mainly what our weekend consisted of. We also puppy-sat a friend's dog, which it turns out was a little hard for Zero to have to share her toys and attention. Only child syndrome is real!

BUT... even though all of that qualifies as an epic weekend for me, I'm even more excited for this upcoming weekend! First we will be starting off Friday by seeing Gone Girl! I've been counting down the days for this and can't wait to share it with my anti-book reading husband. Movie adaptations are the only way that Spencer and I can bond over books I love. Then Saturday I am going to lunch with all my childhood friends. It's weird that I have to give them a label but I guess I have my friends back in Salt Lake that I grew up with, and then my college friends. Many of them are married and some have kids so it's hard to get us all together. Then on Sunday, it's the season premier of American Horror Story! I've been waiting for this forever since I watched all 3 seasons on Netflix in like one month last year. And on top of it all, I can't wait to start decorating our place for Halloween this weekend! Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love the season, the weather, the costumes, fun decor, the movies, and haunted houses! Well I'm off to Lagoon for a work party (not my own). Hope all of you have as good a weekend this weekend as I'm planning on having!


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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

GEMS OF MY LIFE


Man I've been MIA. I know you all missed me terribly. I still need to post my pics from Tahoe, and hopefully I can do that soon but I was up last night helping Spencer do homework. Who knew I'd be back in the game. I forgot how awful it is to read a textbook when the game Lep's World is calling your name on your phone. Lately I just haven't posted because I just haven't had anything to say. It boggles my mind how some people can have such exciting weeks (at least according to their blog) every week! My blog would just be pictures of me in dog-hair-covered sweatpants, watching Netflix, and eating the new Doritos Ranch Dipped Hot Wings. Those are my freaking jam guys! I decided I didn't want to force myself to write. If it comes it comes. Then I got caught up in the fact that maybe no one cares or reads it, and then I'm like snap out of it Ashley! Who the hell cares!? And if you didn't write, then how else would you share your random, awesome life moments like...

... about how I had a full on nightmare about being abducted by a cult family and was being forced to marry one of the brothers the other night. And this was no ordinary dream. This was one of those real life dreams where I began contemplating if I should make a run for it now (and then risk being caught and then being on lock down) or if I should wait it out and pretend to be in love with him and earn more trust, while slowly gaining more freedom and then escape when the odds of me getting away are higher. These are the kinds of hard, fake decisions you have to make when you drink a 32oz of Diet Dr. Pepper right before bed, and then take a sleeping pill because you are worried you wont fall asleep.

Or

...that during four-play Spencer stopped and asked, "Are you wearing my deodorant?!!" Hashtag, BUSTED. But seriously though if you haven't tried Old Spice's "Wolfthorn" deodorant, it's a game changer. And it might as well be unisex.

Or

...when you're at H&M and you ask for a certain size in pants and they say "What inseam do you need?" and you have to explain to them that it doesn't even matter because either way you will have to get them hemmed because the world doesn't make pants for someone who is 5'1 and frankly it's discrimination. Short people problems ya know? And while we are on that note can I just add that while I've been on a fall sweater rampage, I've seemed to notice that they only make sweaters for people with ape arms. Am I right ladies? Or am I the only one that's having to roll up my sleeves?


Or

...when I honked at the driver in front of me in the turn lane for not going but then realized they were waiting for a pedestrian to cross the street, so I rolled down my window and fake-waived at someone so I wouldn't embarrass myself and look like an impatient jerk.

Or

... when I accidentally ended a phone call with a patient at work with "talk to you later," like I was setting up a lunch date with a friend, instead of a gyn exam with a total stranger.

 Or

...when you fart during a yoga class but didn't take the blame (although I think it was only audible to one other person). This story is about a friend. Not me. I swear.  Namaste.

On a side note, I hope you are all remembering to rotate you're owl. I think that's something you should probably be doing a few times a year. 


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