Wednesday, November 5, 2014

ZERO TAKES VEGAS




Well my favorite holiday is over, as well as my favorite month. For work I dressed up as a pineapple, which was super easy and fun. I had these awesome fake eyelashes too but for some reason me and fake lashes don't see eye to eye (is that a pun?), and they were off by the time I made it to work. Also, in regards to this picture I'm starting a new hashtag to go along with the oh so famous #hotdogsorlegs, called #hotdogortongue. 

This weekend we went to Vegas for our niece's baptism and it was Zero's first road trip. She was a peach and did so well. We took a couch cushion off the couch to use as a bed/booster so that Zero could see out the window while we drove. Disclaimer: most of these pictures are of Zero but I don't know what you all expected coming here.  
Towards the end of the ride we hit some construction and were moving pretty slow, so Zero was excited that she got to have the window rolled down. We also really didn't want to stop for gas, and I can usually make it in one tank, but we ended up running out of gas literally on the freeway exit to Spencer's house. We were one block away from the gas station! And had we not hit construction, we would have made it. Oh well. Now I can't say I've never run out of gas, although technically Spencer was driving. After Spencer walked to the gas stations, we met up with his brother and parents and went trick-or-treating with the nieces. The one thing I'm looking forward to the most when I have kids is getting to take them trick-or-treating because then I have an excuse to dress up.   

Saturday morning we went to the baptism and then went to BJ's for lunch afterwards with the family. Why is there not a BJ's in Utah people!? 


That night we went to Fury and it was really good. There were lots of F words, and a dinner scene that seemed to go on foooooorever and have little point, but other than that it was good. It also made me realize I would NOT want to be assigned to a tank if I was in a war... unless Brad Pitt was in said tank... because I could be in a tight space with him for weeks on end if I needed to (for God and country of course). 

Although it was a little windy in Vegas, it was still so nice to be in warmer weather. Even Zero enjoyed basking in the sun every morning. 

Sunday afternoon we went to the dog park and she finally is wearing her sweatshirt without complaint. I tried to get the strip in the background because it was really cool looking, but I guess you'll just have to enjoy the cuteness of the foreground instead. 

Here Zero is demonstrating how important it is to work out while on vacation doing her Doggy Yoga. Seriously these balls are her form of crack! She will not stop until it's in her mouth, which will never happen because it's far too big, and she tires herself out quickly. Although to no ones surprise, this ball is now deceased.  


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And here she is sound asleep in Grandma and Grandpa's bed.

And that was right after Grandma and Grandpa did some planks for us. Still workin' on that fitness in their old age! 

On the way home Zero must have remembered what the way to Vegas was like and decided she absolutely did not want to be in the backseat again. After having all 40lb of her on my lap for the first few hours, I banished her to the back. She seriously pouted like this in the back for 30min and would not look at us. So naturally my mom guilt kicked in and I let her sleep on my lap the rest of the way. 


And to end it all, I will leave you with this picture that Spencer sent me at work yesterday. The Walrus just sat like a creep and was watching Spencer do work like this. What a weirdo. But that side-sit though kills me!! 


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Friday, October 24, 2014

BATTLE OF THE BEDROOM

I know many of you have been following my bedroom saga. If not here is a recap from social media: 



Then I took a 4 day break from my room so it could sit and think about what it had done to me, and then I posted a selfie:


The hard thing about cleaning your room these days is that there are so many distractions! Pinterest, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Netflix, napping, etc. I get so distracted and then I'm like "maybe if I do this then it will help," or "let me get this done first and then I'll get to the bedroom." I was watching BoJack Horseman on Netflix (instead of cleaning my room) and found this clip that perfectly described what my thought process is. In this clip, BoJack is suppose to be writing his memoir which is due soon, but he's having trouble staying on task: 

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My problem is that I've never been a clean person. And every time I clean the house I tell Spencer "this time it's going to be different!" And then it stays clean for a while and then all the sudden I turn around and it's as if a bomb went off. There is no in between. Some how I feel that I can blame my childhood on this but I'm not sure how. Pray for me that I can overcome throwing my clothes on the floor and learn to put them on a hanger. 
Let's hope this weekend I come out the other side with a clean room and better lucky then last weekend (which consisted of me not getting dressed until 6pm, and then going straight to get a Diet DP and spilling it all over my clothes). That right there is God telling you that you shouldn't have left the house and just stayed in your sweats.    

-Ash



Thursday, October 16, 2014

EQUALITY IN ALL THINGS: THE BIKINI ISSUE


Alright, it's time. This is the big one. This is where we separate the men from the boys... or at least the girls from, the other girls. About a week ago I noticed that someone I follow on instagram had some heated comments from someone about the bikini she was wearing on a family trip. Now this wasn't a scandalous swimsuit, or a floozy-of-a-girl. This is a 20 something mother of a young baby who was wearing one of those high waisted swimsuits (that I generally think looks like a diaper on most people) who is a little well known in the Mormon community, as she is a pretty popular videographer and blogger. This complete stranger had the audacity to comment on her Instagram and tell her that she was immodest and not setting a good example for young women. Now I'm all for having an opinion on something. But I'm not for telling a complete stranger of my opinion and letting them know they are wrong and should live their life the way I live mine. Especially on their personal social media accounts. Needless to say this girl got ripped a new one by hundreds of other commenters but it got me thinking about something... 

ABS ARE ABS! PERIOD. right? 

First let me say this post really only relates to the Mormon community. Yes there are many people that think bikinis are immodest but bottom lines is, it's not a commandment. Yes you can find things here and there in The Friend and the 1983 issue of The New Era where people say that bikinis are immodest, but I can guarantee you that the Prophet himself has not gone to the Lord and conversed on this matter because frankly he has better things to worry about and both the Lord AND the Prophet trust that they have given us the tools to make our own informed decisions. Just like with the music we listen to, the movies we watch, and the caffeinated beverages that some of us inject into our bloodstream. Also, let's consider the fact that the church is also run by a bunch of old men. I'm not even going to go into why I bring that up. Let's just linger in thought on that statement for a little while.

Now back to my "abs are abs" statement. For those of you who think that bikinis are immodest, let's look at why. The one factor that bikinis bring to the table is the abdomen. So ipso facto (I've always wanted to use that word) you think that the abdomen is the immodest part. So if a belly button and the abdominal wall are immodest, then shouldn't they be immodest for both genders? Now I'm going to make a bold statement here that I may get backlash for but YES, I think that viewing bikinis as immodest is an anti-feminist view. It's the same as if the church (or an individual) came out and said "OK women, you have to wear gloves because hands are scandalous, but men, you don't have to. You're fine." WTF??? So I'm a big skank to a (growing smaller by the day) specific group of like-minded Mormons for showing off my digits, but the boys can show them off as they please? Please tell me the logic in that!

Let's shift gears. Have you ever seen a penis? Like a real live penis in the wild? (gears switched indeed) Well guess what... they are frightening. I'm sure there are very few women out there that are thinking "man seeing a penis just does it for me." If asking a guy what the sexiest part of a woman is, a lot of them will probably say legs, butt, boobs, face, etc. Stomach is probably not at the top of that list. But ask a girl... hell ya it's their ABS! I want to rub my hands up and down those puppies! Not to mentions the pecks and the arms. Oh the aaaaarms! But seriously no one in their right mind is going to say penis! In conclusion (to this paragraph but not post) women get ab-shamed when guys don't really care about their abs that much, but guys can show them off and it's fine, even though it leaves us standing in a puddle of our own drool. How does that even make sense in the "modesty" scheme of things? You get to show off your hard work at the gym and use your abs as a medal of honor, while I have to hide mine like a scar of shame? How does that even make sense? And here are some examples of abs that make us blush:


And lastly, the father of my children: 

Now I know a lot of girls wear one pieces because they feel more comfortable in them, or because they may be self conscious, and that's just fine. If I've got period bloat, you won't be finding me in my 2-piece; I'll be on the couch with a vat of Cheetos (because calories don't count if you're menstruating). BUT you're also not going to find me on Instagram finding Mormon girls in a one-piece saying "Hey put on a bikini. Stop promoting the Amish lifestyle. Live a little, you conservative baby!"  The word "feminist" has a bad taste in some people's mouths, and I've never really considered myself one, but when it comes to stomach equality, I'm all on board! And even if you don't agree with me, and feel that my abs are straight out of a pornographic nightmare (yet your husband/brother/dad can flaunt them around the pool at me as if to say "haha sucker you wish you could expose your umbilical cord scar and your torso like me") that's fine. You don't have to agree with me, but you don't have to walk around telling people that they are a bad example in this church. That is the one thing I'm looking forward to as the church progresses and adapts; that they begin to realize that it's actually better for PR if we all look a little different and all have our own opinions. Then we don't look so much like the weirdo robots some people think we are. Free agency is beautiful isn't it? As well as the female body! Well that's all I have for you today. Take us out David!


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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

MEANT TO BE

This weekend, as Spencer and I sat on the couch, watching Godzilla and eating chicken wings, I let out a loud belch and Spencer said "I'm the only one who could be married to you." #boysweekend. Wait... not all guys want to spend their weekend on the couch eating junk food and watching monster movies? What is the world coming to!? That sounds like my kind of weekend! He's also the only one for me because this weekend I also debuted some lingerie, followed up by doing the "Liz Lemon" dance from 30 Rock:

Here is the link if the video doesn't work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdnSc12bx5c


I mean who wouldn't be turned on by that? No one? Ok... Anyway, last year Spencer and I started watching 30 Rock on Netflix, and it was so funny that right now we are in the process of watching them all over. Go watch them! Now! This is mainly what our weekend consisted of. We also puppy-sat a friend's dog, which it turns out was a little hard for Zero to have to share her toys and attention. Only child syndrome is real!

BUT... even though all of that qualifies as an epic weekend for me, I'm even more excited for this upcoming weekend! First we will be starting off Friday by seeing Gone Girl! I've been counting down the days for this and can't wait to share it with my anti-book reading husband. Movie adaptations are the only way that Spencer and I can bond over books I love. Then Saturday I am going to lunch with all my childhood friends. It's weird that I have to give them a label but I guess I have my friends back in Salt Lake that I grew up with, and then my college friends. Many of them are married and some have kids so it's hard to get us all together. Then on Sunday, it's the season premier of American Horror Story! I've been waiting for this forever since I watched all 3 seasons on Netflix in like one month last year. And on top of it all, I can't wait to start decorating our place for Halloween this weekend! Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love the season, the weather, the costumes, fun decor, the movies, and haunted houses! Well I'm off to Lagoon for a work party (not my own). Hope all of you have as good a weekend this weekend as I'm planning on having!


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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

GEMS OF MY LIFE


Man I've been MIA. I know you all missed me terribly. I still need to post my pics from Tahoe, and hopefully I can do that soon but I was up last night helping Spencer do homework. Who knew I'd be back in the game. I forgot how awful it is to read a textbook when the game Lep's World is calling your name on your phone. Lately I just haven't posted because I just haven't had anything to say. It boggles my mind how some people can have such exciting weeks (at least according to their blog) every week! My blog would just be pictures of me in dog-hair-covered sweatpants, watching Netflix, and eating the new Doritos Ranch Dipped Hot Wings. Those are my freaking jam guys! I decided I didn't want to force myself to write. If it comes it comes. Then I got caught up in the fact that maybe no one cares or reads it, and then I'm like snap out of it Ashley! Who the hell cares!? And if you didn't write, then how else would you share your random, awesome life moments like...

... about how I had a full on nightmare about being abducted by a cult family and was being forced to marry one of the brothers the other night. And this was no ordinary dream. This was one of those real life dreams where I began contemplating if I should make a run for it now (and then risk being caught and then being on lock down) or if I should wait it out and pretend to be in love with him and earn more trust, while slowly gaining more freedom and then escape when the odds of me getting away are higher. These are the kinds of hard, fake decisions you have to make when you drink a 32oz of Diet Dr. Pepper right before bed, and then take a sleeping pill because you are worried you wont fall asleep.

Or

...that during four-play Spencer stopped and asked, "Are you wearing my deodorant?!!" Hashtag, BUSTED. But seriously though if you haven't tried Old Spice's "Wolfthorn" deodorant, it's a game changer. And it might as well be unisex.

Or

...when you're at H&M and you ask for a certain size in pants and they say "What inseam do you need?" and you have to explain to them that it doesn't even matter because either way you will have to get them hemmed because the world doesn't make pants for someone who is 5'1 and frankly it's discrimination. Short people problems ya know? And while we are on that note can I just add that while I've been on a fall sweater rampage, I've seemed to notice that they only make sweaters for people with ape arms. Am I right ladies? Or am I the only one that's having to roll up my sleeves?


Or

...when I honked at the driver in front of me in the turn lane for not going but then realized they were waiting for a pedestrian to cross the street, so I rolled down my window and fake-waived at someone so I wouldn't embarrass myself and look like an impatient jerk.

Or

... when I accidentally ended a phone call with a patient at work with "talk to you later," like I was setting up a lunch date with a friend, instead of a gyn exam with a total stranger.

 Or

...when you fart during a yoga class but didn't take the blame (although I think it was only audible to one other person). This story is about a friend. Not me. I swear.  Namaste.

On a side note, I hope you are all remembering to rotate you're owl. I think that's something you should probably be doing a few times a year. 


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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

BOOK WORM

Did you miss me world? Don't answer. Of course you did. Now I should be posting about Lake Tahoe, but that would require me to upload and edit pictures so maybe I'll get around to it in 5 or so months. Today I'd like to talk about books. The internet is full of endless (and mindless) wonders, so I had forgotten for a while that I can read in my spare time... like books. Actual paper books, and not articles I find on Facebook saying "Click here to see how this father reacted when his son walked for the first time" and other similarly riveting pieces.

I recently got a library card, which I haven't had since high school when I checked out (and immediately lost) The Chronic album (sorry Dre), which technically we can consider this the last time I actually "paid" for music. Thanks a lot Millcreek library! But I stuck it to them by leaving to college with about $6 in unpaid fines. I'd like to share a few books I've read, am reading, and want to read. And in exchange, please leave me some suggestions of books I'd like. If I don't like said book, I'll be de-friending you on Facebook indefinitely so don't take this task lightly.

Gone Girl:


Also know as "what the hell did I just read?" I just finished this book while in Tahoe and it seriously is amazing. And if no one has ruined the end for you (or if you haven't ruined the end for yourself by skipping to the middle of the book to answer your pressing questions) then you are in for a suspenseful, thrilling, and twisted treat. As unbelievable and slightly messed up as the ending is, it truly is perfect and couldn't have ended any other way and still fit with the characters. The book is also really well written and makes me want to own a thesaurus. The movie is coming out Oct 3rd starring Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike and I'm so pumped! If you don't like to read go see it in theaters. 

*Disclaimer: If you can't handle swearing and a little crudeness, put this one back on the shelf. 















The Fault in Our Stars: 


I read this right before the movie came out and if you have a vagina, you really can't go wrong with young love/cancer books. I may or may not have seen the movie three times already. This was the first and only book that made me cry, but I was also mad at Spencer the day I finished it so who knows what the tears were really for. 

*Disclaimer: You will have unrealistic expectations of what your husband/boyfriend should be like after reading this. And also be aware that no teenagers of today's world actually have this wide of vocabulary.
















The Maze Runner:


I read this one a while ago but I'm posting it because the movie is coming out in just a few weeks. I really loved this book. I'm all about sci-fi/Ray Bradbury type stuff. This book is actually a series and although I loved each individual book, I wasn't a huge fan of the end. Like the end END. I just felt like the third book could have had a more fulfilling ending but don't let that scare you from reading them. They are still very entertaining. The only problem I can see with making this a movie is that you get basically zero answers at the end of the first book. I'm sure they will incorporate some of the answers from the second book in order for it to make sense. Apparently they are only going to make the second book into a movie if the first movie does well. 

















The Lost Symbol:


Yikes guys... just yikes. This book literally took about 5 months to finish, with a combination of checking it out from the library twice, and reading it online. I loved The Da Vinci Code, and Angels and Demons, but Robert Langdon's third adventure is a little harder to get through and wasn't as riveting. I read the first two books in about two days so that should say something about how they differ. The next book is called Inferno. I've heard it's better than this one, but still not as good as the first two. For now I think I'll take a Dan Brown break and save Inferno for sometime in the distant future.

















Bossypants:


This is the book I'm currently reading. This might as well be written by Liz Lemon. I think they are one in the same. I'm only a few pages in and her biogrpahy already has me laughing out loud. Tina Fey has the funniest perspective on things and tells it like it is. If you don't like to read, just get on Netflix and watch 30 Rock. Seriously though... she is a brilliant comedian and writer. 



















Now here are a few books that I have on my radar and just might be up next in the queue for me: 

Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews
Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell 
Winger by Andrew Smith
Phsycos by Babe Walker (the follow up book to White Girl Problems which was freaking hilarious) 
Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury (for Halloween maybe?)
Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card 
My Life Next Door by Huntley Fitzpatrick
The Archives by Victoria Schwab



Please feel free to leave me any other suggestions! 




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Thursday, July 31, 2014

#FIRSTWORLDPROBLEMS 2.0


Today I'd like to share with you another installment of my ever mounting first world problems:

1. I'm following too many people on Instagram and it takes to much time to catch up on every one's lives so I had to cut some people. I really had to buckle down and decide which celebrities were really important in my life and which ones weren't. Sorry Ellie Goulding and Vanessa Hudgens. There just wasn't enough room for all of us.

2. Earlier this week I may have been attacked by some wasps while allegedly hopping the fence to lay out at the community pool of some million dollar estates. So I guess that's how the rich and famous keep people like me away from their lounge chairs!

3. I'm oooooh so lucky because I get to make use of my winter wardrobe since my office is an ice box. 

4. I've learned that living in a basement you get to deal with spiders, but apparently in the summer they visit more frequently because they like the come inside and enjoy the free A/C. This little guy was found in our bedroom this week and Spencer and I had to have a 5 minute discussion on our plan of attack. I didn't want Mr. Mini-Tarantula getting away and slipping through a crack or something so that I then would have to stay up for three days straight trying to lure him out. 

5. There is never enough time in the day to go to the gym... because of Netflix obvi. 

6. The HBOGo account I use for free, courtesy of my BFF's fiance, is currently not working and I want to tear my hair out hearing all the updates of Game of Thrones, and True Blood. Guess I'll just have to Torrent them like all the rest of the world. 

7. Provo thinks its cool do re-do all their roads at once. Like I literally have to come a different way to work every day. It's a fun little guessing game. You never know what detour you'll end up taking. 

8. There should literally be a line at the bank JUST for people who have complicated issues. Why is it that I choose to go when there are only two tellers and both are helping people for easily 10 minutes? Could my life be any harder??

9. Apparently I don't know what year it is because I went to the DMV for a new license and went to Wells Fargo demanding a new debit card, both of which don't expire until 2015. So ya... both of those trips were a waste. 

10. I'm going to be spending an entire week in a bikini at Lake Tahoe pretty soon and I am soooooo not bikini ready so now I have to starve myself for the next week and run 5 miles a day... and by that I mean In-N-Out and a Modern Family marathon while I wallow in self pity. 

  Like liiiiiiiiiterally my life is so hard. I'm taking a nap and then going to pay $10 to see a formally fat Chris Pratt take his shirt off. Peace! 


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